Behind the tree I ponder on things,
About life, love, anything and everything.
Things didn’t go as fast as I wanted,
Stuffs didn’t finish as soon as I planned.
So I thought, “Is this really worth it?”
Failure, lots of failure, “Am I fit to be it?”
And then I felt the hard wood on my back.
As if the tree is trying to mock.
In defense I thought “Ha, don’t you laugh!
Your leaves fall through the blow of the wind,
Just like how I fall on problems I try to solve.
And you, fast? Don’t make me laugh!
It takes years and years for you to be fully grown,
Just like how slow it takes to reach my goal.
But strong…oh yes, we go stronger in every fall.”
It’s then I realize that it’s alright –
Not to be as fast as others,
Not to be perfect in just one trial,
To fail and learn one stumble at a time.
If it takes years to complete a fruit bearing tree,
It wouldn’t hurt if it takes years for me to get my dream.
I may be slow, but I’ll be as strong as a tree.
I still can’t find the inspiration to draw. But at least, I thought I should find something to post and hopefully I’ll get the momentum back. I searched on my old journals and found this one sketch of the rooftop. I always go to the rooftop whenever I like. There are no forests or fields where I can roam around by myself freely to find some inspiration from nature in our small town. Although I am currently employed in a job that deals with people, I actually value and enjoy my “alone time.” I’ll definitely burn out without this personal space. Since I don’t have a place to go where I can be in touch with nature nearby where I can be alone with nobody looking at this weird person in deep thought, I just go to our home’s rooftop and satisfy my need for peace. I lay down to look at the sky for like half an hour before sunset after work. Sometimes I even fall asleep there. I just love how vast the sky is compared to how small the space I live and work in. Maybe I should just go live in the faraway forest and plant crops in there. haha. No matter what time of the day it is, the sky is so nice to look at. It’s one of the reasons I don’t remember how to go from place to place because I always just stare at the sky from the window of the bus or any other vehicle. Well, I love the rains too, I just hate it when the sky is fully grey. It rather looks gloomy.
The sketch above was made in 2007. I just graduated from college then and was just about to take the Board Exam (which I passed :D). It was a dark year for me, the reason why…I don’t wish to disclose because it’s meant to be forgotten. I know the view isn’t that great neither the drawing, but you know I dared myself to just use pen in that drawing. I am very much used to using pencils first and then pen so that I can erase errors. At the back of that drawing I wrote this:
This morning I was thinking of “being the best.”
But I learned of someone trying to be the best only gaining insecurity.
I don’t want that, neither overconfidence.
Who cares anyway?
It’s so bothersome trying and being the best.
And who has the right to decide who’s the best?
Definitely not me nor anyone.
So, this afternoon, I decided that:
I won’t try to be the best; rather, I’ll give my own best.
It is not what I earn that matters…it is what I share.
This is the reason why I like to keep journals. Sometimes the inspiration you seek might come from your past self. We sometimes forget the reason that motivates us, the reason why we’re doing something. When we have walked a bit far from our starting point, other stuffs cloud our own dreams or initial motivations. And because of that we can easily get off the track, or doubt if what we do amounts to anything relevant. Something like “keeping in touch with yourself” is also important as checking our mobile phones for text messages or checking our mailboxes for new mails.
So maybe, why not try having a good chat with yourself? Make sure nobody else can hear you! But most importantly, have fun! lol 😀
Have a great day!